My brain is weary from the constant barrage of: “congratulations you have been selected”, “we are a marketing company it will just take 5mins”, I am from Microsoft please give me access to your pc so I can steal all your crap” etc etc.
Over the past year such phone calls seem to have increased significantly causing pain and suffering to millions. Now here’s the thing, why let them annoy you, wouldn’t it be great to walk away from such calls feeling happy and smiley?
Here are some of the fun things I do with annoying calls:
- Wait until they say “hi how are you today” – a sure sign of a complete stranger following the techniques of some sales guru where the tactic is to become their friend so you will feel guilty about not buying the crap. As soon as they say this you then put on a rather pastoral voice and say “hi, did you know that Jesus died for your sins”? If they don’t bang down the phone right away, you then say let us pray together – then proceed to launch into a long laborious prayer (usually best if you make it about the souls of those who call you trying to sell crap etc). I guarantee they will not stay long, unless of course you happen to get some bible-basher , in that case you are on your own!
- Pick a song, any song, the sillier the better and sing it loudly and with passion until you hear the comforting sound of a phone being banged down angrily. One of my favourites is “Nobody’s Child” by two old tartan clad men with accordians; you can really whine and belt that one out.
- Wait until they finish their sales pitch then say “Yes we can offer you those services would you like a quote”? This one pleasantly confuses them and more often than not they dither and say something silly then leave.
- Put on a voice like a man/woman who has the brain of a 5 year old and loudly say “My Mammy’s not in and ma belly’s hungry, are you the pizza man”? The reaction to this one is normally quite hilarious.
- Pretend to be a foreigner and make up a language – “drinkle spaar mag fleeble droopje”?
- If you are male and get a male caller. Sound quite manly and say “can you wait a second I have a ladder in my tights, sorry pal I want to be a woman and wear woman’s clothes but always have problems with these bloody tights. You sound a bit effeminate, can you offer me any tips”?
- If you are male and get a female. “ooo you have a lovely voice I would really love to brush your hair, can we meet”?
- Speak normally and seriously and be responsive to their questions etc, then suddenly let out a maniacal laugh before continuing to speak normally. Usually they ask “why did you laugh”, you reply “I didn’t laugh what are you talking about”? Repeat until the desired affect is achieved.
- Pretend to be very interested and keep them going and going. You will definitely need the gift of the gab for this method but it is well worth it. When they try to close the deal etc and escape you ask more questions. When you can’t think of anymore questions talk about anything, for example; “sorry for asking but do you know anything about telephones”? “Mines keep’s making a funny clicking sound”. When they have had enough and try to pleasantly escape you whine “please don’t go I am lonely and need a friend”.
- Last but by no means least: Start to cry while they are talking, when they ask what is wrong then you reply: “I’m sorry but my parrot’s head dropped off and I must go wash my cheese before the carpet sings”. You can hang up yourself after this or if you are adventurous then improvise further.
I do hope you found these methods inspiring and join the fight-back movement. Give them hell and have lots of fun doing it.